man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing
physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen,
if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to
taking your troubles to bed with you."
know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses
to sleep alone."
weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy
husband finally confronted her, "Admit it, Linda, the
only reason you married me is because my grandfather left
me $10 million."
back, "Don't be ridiculous, I don't care who left it
married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time,
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not
any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.
evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed,
a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer,
dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete
astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going
on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more
romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having
to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time
day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.
"How did it work out?" they asked.
it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the
laundry and put everything away."
what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into
the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
says, "That's incredible! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?
yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!"
inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly
you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
I am sending
you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that
you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception,
but I thought you should know what has been going on at home
since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew
a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were
good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your
head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you
did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with
her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the
fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also
doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted
to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson,
the department head, has taken an interest in my career and
has become a good friend to us all.
discovered that the household chores are much easier since
I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had
the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed
it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth
so you wouldn't be disturbed.
my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean,
is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to
do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while
we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee
cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like
it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are
gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember
us while your disks are booting.
wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother
mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles
know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened
stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice,
don't forget to give this letter to George.'
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Why not - don't you like being married?
course I do.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
I'd get married again.
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
else would we sleep?
Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
would seem like the proper thing to do.
And would you let her use my golf clubs?
can't use them; she's left-handed.
- - - silence - - -
proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use on the average only
15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
about this for a while and then told her husband that women
use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
stunned, he said, "What?
was a man who spent 2 weeks each and every fall at deer camp.
His wife accused him of never hunting.
guys just go up there and play cards and drink for 2 weeks."
she told him.
do not," he replied. "We hunt hard!!"
why have you never killed a deer?" she asked.
guess I just am not very lucky." was his response. That
night the wife packed her husbands things and the next morning
he left for deer camp.
end of 2 weeks he returned home, once again without a deer.
told him again that all they do at deer camp is drink and
play cards to which he once again denied it.
the way," he said, "you forgot to pack my underwear
I didn't!" she replied....."It's in your gun case!!!!!!"
at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about
in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning
and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred
dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred?"
said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife.
But this is my mother-in-law."
reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?"
was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as
the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she
heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top
of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying
to navigate the stairs.
realize what time it is," she said.
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something
for the house."
her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet
him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house,
"A round of drinks!"
was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised his hand.
replied the teacher.
it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and
said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that
you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
inquired the doctor.
said the man.
what did they have to say about it?" asked the doctor.
in favor, 15 to 2," replied the man.