I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking
dog wandered into the yard.
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered
down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later,
he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was
back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for
an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned
a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes
to my house for a nap."
day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep."
rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which
he was. When he finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen.
back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches
it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into
ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!
AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
the locals shifted restlessly.
another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up
and starts to ride out of town.
wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before
you go... what did happen in Texas?"
turned back and said, "I walked home."
Clean A Cat:
clean the toilet.
the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power
wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there
are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot
fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the
zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked
the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the
gate at night!"
the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from
the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon
Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting
for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you?
Come on ova' here a minute."
surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the
mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped
his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr.
Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish
dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big
bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
doing it with the engine running."
the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's
best, a Corona."
dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
from Budweiser says, "I'd like the 'king' of them all.
Give me a Budweiser."
gives him one.
from Coors says, "I'd like the only one made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't
you drinking a Guinness?"
president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't
drinking beer, neither would I.
boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
the boy responded.
was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do
you know that?"
the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like the preacher said: '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer ,4 poorer.'"
had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his
thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery
to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage
she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't
stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up
like a balloon."
that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant
woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her
gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh
... I know what you've been doing."
boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
later the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in
the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and
asked them to help him get unstuck.
sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified
dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those
dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give
us some traction."
answered her front door and found two little boys holding
a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're
on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat,
a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn
the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do
third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a
hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw
open all the windows and stands in the draft.
doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll
know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with
your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one
stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you
should have come to me."
replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is way
better than yours."
Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking
about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few
hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself
for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So
why do you have so much hair?"
student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made
the Dean's list?"
"I certainly do."
student: "Well, you get to keep it."
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised
the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance,
and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts
and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started
the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over
the right cheek of his buttocks.
Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over
his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that
is your heart?"
every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats
me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma
Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder
and says: How is the singing career going?"
Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Woods says: "You play golf?"
Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're
replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice
and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the
ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the
fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
how do you putt?", asks Woods.
says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I
just play the ball towards his voice."
asks: "What's your handicap?"
says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round
replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I
only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000
thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when
would you like to play?"
says, "Pick a night!"
an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as
he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags
him into his office.
explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,
a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime
next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters
the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great
job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people
and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However,
eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging
on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting
to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the
top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it.
end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion,
the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then
one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers
itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that
he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close
behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help,
Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime
soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry
lion and the lion says....
up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little
Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to suppertime.
Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What
do you want to play?"
wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines
not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as
if you're taking a nap."
that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens
the utility closet. He puts on his father's old fishing hat.
As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in
the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it
in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves
to the bedroom doorway.
raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff
manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that
kid some ice cream!"