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Jokes About the French

Michael Jackson Admits Plastic Surgery; France Unconvinced
--Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors

At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called "conclusive proof" that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery, but failed to convince France.

In his presentation, Powell first showed two photos of Jackson, taken in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation of the singer's face from human to Halloween mask.

As Security Council members watched intently, Powell then played a tape of a recent court appearance by Jackson, during which the tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the floor.

Finally, Powell played a tape of the ABC program "20/20" in which Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which a visibly frustrated Powell turned to the ambassador from France and asked, "How much more freaking proof do you clowns need?"

While the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping on a glass of red wine while reading a book by Camus, later in the day French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words for Powell, saying that the Secretary of State "had proved nothing."

President Chirac added that the United Nations should grant its official face inspection team more time to look at Jackson's head to determine whether the singer had plastic surgery or not.

In related news, President Chirac said the U.S. had failed to show convincing proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big ass.

The Complete Military History of France

  • Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
  • Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman."
  • Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
  • Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
  • Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
  • War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
  • The Dutch War - Tied
  • War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties" in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
  • War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved every since.
  • American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
  • French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
  • The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
  • The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
  • World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French gene pool.
  • World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
  • War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
  • Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
  • War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Notable Quotes:

"The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be 'Can we count on the French?' but rather 'How long until France collapses?'"
--Author unknown

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you leave behind is a bunch of noisy, useless baggage that's full of nothing but wind."
--Author unknown

News Release from France

PARIS-- In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the "War on Terror" after all. Five hundred soldiers from the elite Battalion du Specialistes d'Abandonnement of France's Armees de la Terre are preparing for Movement to Iraq, where they will advise the Iraqi Republican Guards on their impending surrender to the American Armed Forces.

"Eet eez important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said Colonel Philippe Marie-Jeane Yves-Montand Gauloise du Pepee, Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in countless battles dating back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954. "We French are world masters at surrendering, n'est ce pas? Not like you arrogant Americans, who
never surrender. Ha! I spit on your feelthy American victories!"

President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateurs Francaise to assist the Iraqis in avidly collaborating with the Americans, while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.


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