About the French
Jackson Admits Plastic Surgery; France Unconvinced
--Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors
United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell
offered what he called "conclusive proof" that the
singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery, but failed
to convince France.
presentation, Powell first showed two photos of Jackson, taken
in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation
of the singer's face from human to Halloween mask.
Council members watched intently, Powell then played a tape
of a recent court appearance by Jackson, during which the
tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the
Powell played a tape of the ABC program "20/20"
in which Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which
a visibly frustrated Powell turned to the ambassador from
France and asked, "How much more freaking proof do you
the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping
on a glass of red wine while reading a book by Camus, later
in the day French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words
for Powell, saying that the Secretary of State "had proved
Chirac added that the United Nations should grant its official
face inspection team more time to look at Jackson's head to
determine whether the singer had plastic surgery or not.
news, President Chirac said the U.S. had failed to show convincing
proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big ass.
Complete Military History of France
Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of
all things, an Italian.
Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
"France's armies are only victorious when not led by
Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other participants started ignoring
of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots
Dutch War - Tied
of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties"
in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label
the period as the height of French military power.
of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough , which they have
loved every since.
Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly
English colonists saw far more action. This is later known
as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second
Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America
does most of the fighting."
Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent
was also French.
Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended
up being no match for a British footwear designer.
Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role
of drunk Frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a
War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
the United States. Thousands of French women find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't
call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French gene pool.
War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst
in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take
to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and
produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can
always beat the French." This rule is identical to
the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts
to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he
takes refuge in a McDonald's.
question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be 'Can we count on the French?' but rather 'How
long until France collapses?'"
to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you leave behind is a bunch of noisy, useless
baggage that's full of nothing but wind."
Release from France
In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques
Chirac announced today that the French government will be
supporting the "War on Terror" after all. Five hundred
soldiers from the elite Battalion du Specialistes d'Abandonnement
of France's Armees de la Terre are preparing for Movement
to Iraq, where they will advise the Iraqi Republican Guards
on their impending surrender to the American Armed Forces.
eez important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering,"
said Colonel Philippe Marie-Jeane Yves-Montand Gauloise du
Pepee, Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who
has personally surrendered in countless battles dating back
to Dien Bien Phu in 1954. "We French are world masters
at surrendering, n'est ce pas? Not like you arrogant Americans,
never surrender. Ha! I spit on your feelthy American victories!"
Chirac also announced that his government will be sending
3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateurs Francaise
to assist the Iraqis in avidly collaborating with the Americans,
while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.