Part 1: When Terrorists Attack

When watching a nuclear attack, be sure to protect yourself from the blast by standing behind a large plate-glass window.

If you're near a source of radiation, try to absorb as much as possible with your groin, because radiation works a lot better than that lame "ENL4RGEM3NT" crap you've been buying off the Internet. Five minutes and 12 seconds ought to do the trick.

Be careful, though. Too much radiation, and your whole body will grow to gigantic proportions. Watch your head!

If you really overdo it and grow so big that your head is the size of a bus terminal, you might as well just leave town. Because man, we are NOT springing for your food bill! Pervert!

In the event that the radiation turns you into a disgusting mutant with a disfigured hand, close the windows for crying out loud! Nobody wants to see that crap!

If the radiation causes your internal organs to start arguing with each other, stand with your arms apart in a neutral position so they don't think you're taking sides. They'll shut up eventually.

If a terrorist gang member "tags" you with orange spray paint, it's probably because you don't have a cool tattoo. Maybe now's a good time to get one. You know, the biohazard symbol would look awesome on your right bicep. Think about it.

Or what about adding some dead birds, dead fish, and a hurricane symbol? Might give you that "bad boy" look you've been wanting.

On the other hand, dead animals probably wouldn't exactly be a hit with the ladies.

Best to stick with your original plan. Let's head to the tattoo parlor for that biohazard symbol. Oh, hey, check it out -- "Tattoos while you wait!"

Some terrorists are now threatening American citizens with secondhand smoke. If this happens to you, remind the terrorist that his doctrine prohibits him from inhaling the smoke himself. In all likelihood, he'll stop breathing and pass out.

If a terrorist plays Kenny G, Yanni, or John Tesh at you, cower in a fetal position until they leave. Otherwise, run the Hell away!

Part 2: The Aftermath

If a terrorist attack trashes your computer, you are likely to go into a deep depression. Give yourself time to grieve. Curling up in a little ball on the floor may help.

If you're trapped in a collapsed building, just use your handy anti-terrorism flashlight to lift those walls right off of you.

If you don't have your anti-terrorism flashlight with you, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Be courteous to your fellow survivors. Limit your online gaming and MTV viewing time to one-hour intervals (two hours during "Real World" marathons).

In the event of an extended terrorist attack, you may be forced to eat your children.
Be a good sport and break it to them gently.

Pretending to be a medic is a great way to cop a feel. A fake badge or a medical kit will give you added credibility. Be sure to leave when the real medics arrive

Remember, if you give in to fear, the terrorists win. So, when evacuating a city, be sure to pull over and enjoy a nice sunset. Or a thermonuclear blast in the distance. Whichever's handy.

Part 3: General Advice

Your house is a valuable asset. Don't set fire to it.

Just to be on the safe side, use a karate chop to open all exit doors. This will surprise any terrorists lying in wait on the other side.

Searching for a lost contact lens during a terrorist attack can only lead to tragedy.

Avoid jogging when your arm is on fire.

Never drive a station wagon if a power pole is sticking out of the hood.

If a terrorist Sith Lord (such as Darth Vader) starts using the Force to choke you, just give it up, man. You're toast!

If a terrorist attack has crippled the local infrastructure, use the down-time to work on your taxes. You know the IRS isn't going to cut you any slack.

If things really get bad, look for the clock tower from "Back to the Future." If you're lucky, you might be able to go back in time and prevent it all from happening in the first place.

Part 4: Recognizing and Reacting to Terrorists

Terrorists typically have both pinkeye and leprosy.
They also tend to rub their hands together maniacally.

To hide their rotten faces, terrorists often mask themselves. Also, the fact that they're wearing vests made out of C-4 plastic explosive tends to make them sweat a lot.

If a sweaty, masked man with a missing nose asks you for extra linens, he's probably a terrorist. Or Michael Jackson. In either case, run the Hell away!

A terrorist on a suicide mission will often prepare by using radioactive hair gel and face cream. It gives them that special "glow" for when they meet their personal collection of 72 virgins.

Terrorists hate Missouri. Especially Kansas City, St. Louis, and (ironically) Arab, Missouri.

Terrorists also hate elections. In the event of an attack, stay away from voting booths.

Terrorists particularly hate the English language. For maximum safety, switch out all the signs in your building to ones that are in Spanish.

If you do spot a terrorist, carefully unwrap your official anti-terrorism "Agent Orange" Whistle-Pop™ to alert the authorities. Try not to shove your Whistle-Pop too far up your nose. It really hurts when you do that!